Steelers Follow Browns Expansion Blueprint To Duplicate Super Bowl Success

 

Satire

By: CRS Staff

June 19th, 2006

 

On the heels of the franchise's fifth Super Bowl victory and one of the greatest seasons in team history, the Pittsburgh Steelers revealed today that they have begun trying to copy the Browns unorthodox expansion blueprint of poor scouting, off-the-field problems, high coaching turnover, and inconsistent free agent signings in an attempt to put them in position to return to the Big Game for many years to come.  Evidence of this new strategy has finally begun to bear fruit, as first-round draft choice Santonio Holmes has been arrested for the second time since the NFL Draft in April, on the same day star QB Ben Roethlisberger was cited for his motorcycle accident the week before. 

 

"It's obvious that in today's NFL, it will be more difficult to win 4 out of 6 Super Bowls than it was when we did it in the 70's," said Steelers President Dan Rooney.  "It's clear we need to utilize a radical new strategy to keep things fresh, and what more radical plan exists out there than that of our long-time rival, the Browns."  Rooney went on to explain that under the new plan, the Steelers will not only refrain from discouraging bad off-field behavior, they will actually reward players who find trouble in the off-season with salary bonuses.  The team will also consider only outrageously egotistical, low-character and otherwise under-achieving prospects with their future draft choices, citing LB Joey Porter & Holmes as the new 'model Steelers'.

 

Reaction to the news among Steeler fans was mixed, especially in light of the Browns having seemingly distanced themselves from their own strategy over the last 12 months.  "I don't know if I like that idea," said longtime season-ticket holder Bud Stevens.  "I mean, the Browns have won like 10 total games or something since returning in '99, so we're going to copy THAT plan to get back to a Super Bowl?"  Stevens added that if the rumors are true and the Steelers successfully sign talented but troubled former prospects like Lawrence Phillips & Ryan Leaf to contracts as expected, he's "hanging up his Terrible Towel" for good.

 

Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher has been put on notice that he is likely to be fired at some point next season, replaced by a less experienced college coach who himself will be fired less than 24 months later.  Rooney also announced that he may hire & fire several different GM's over the course of the next few seasons, and may also irrationally throw money at several 'consultants' to help with major team decisions before ignoring their advice completely. 

 

Lastly, the team will attempt to develop a more adversarial relationship with its players, with the first step being a letter apparently sent to Roethlisberger announcing the team's right to recoup any and all salary as the team feels is necessary if he continues to ride motorcycles.  The Steelers cite a situation a few seasons ago between the Browns & WR Dennis Northcutt in which then-head coach Butch Davis referred to Northcutt as 'just a punt returner', despite his status at the time as the team's only playmaker.  "We hope to build on the Browns model to get our own players against us," added Rooney.  "We can only hope that after insulting a few key starters in the media and through their own agents, relations will deteroriate to the point our best players will want to excel just so they can become free agents and leave town to spite us."

 

The Steelers open the 2006 season at home on September 7th against the Miami Dolphins.