Satire
By CRS Staff
May 4th, 2005
As all of Cleveland Sports Nation
by now is aware, Browns TE Kellen Winslow II was recently involved in a motorcycle accident. While details are sketchy,
by numerous accounts Winslow allegedly launched himself over the handlebars of his motorcycle after hitting a high curb in
a public parking lot at 35 mph. He apparently was test riding his new toy amongst friends, and threw himself into some
landscaping after mistakenly hitting the accelerator instead of the brakes. He faces possible citations for driving
without a learner's permit, and could have to refund some of Randy Lerner's contract money.
Since no one at the scene is
actually talking, we here at CRS have taken it upon ourselves to fill in the gaps with excuses Winslow may
have relayed to Westlake police to explain the bizarre incident.
10) "After nearly a year with
the team and yet no arrest record, I felt I had some catching up to do to live up to the U. of Miami rep."
9) "The brakes and accelerator
were much more clearly marked on the Segway I'd been riding on since the injury last season."
8) "OK, OK, so I was purposely
trying to get my contract voided with the Browns to sign with either the Ravens or Raiders, where I feel I'll
better fit in."
7) "When he bought the bike
for me, Butch Davis said it should be fine to drive at high speeds, and he even encouraged me to ride
dangerously."
6) "My leg is still so messed
up, I needed to cover-up the fact that I wasn't going to be playing football anytime soon anyways."
5) "Real soldiers don't need learner's
permits, helmet straps, or basic instruction before getting on a motorcycle. Don't you know what I am?"
4) "I had been planning to cut
a big check to Cleveland Browns Charities soon anyways, so I guess this just saves me the trouble."
3) "It doesn't matter what I do,
the Browns will never just get rid of a former #1 draft choice like me."
2) "I live in Cleveland
and it's still cold in May, unlike San Diego or Miami. If you were me you'd do some crazy stuff too."
1) "I was trying to illustrate
for my friends visually what I meant by helping the Browns 'get over the hump' this year."
