Satire

August 31st, 2006

By: CRS Staff

With Northeast Ohioans still reeling from the announcement that Cleveland is once again the nation's poorest large city, even more bad news has come from the U.S. Census Bureau.  The Cleveland Indians, one of baseball's oldest and most historic teams, have been named the poorest franchise in all of Major League Baseball. 

"It's true," confirmed team spokesman Bart Swain.  "Even though teams like Kansas City and Tampa Bay somehow still have payrolls lower than ours, we have the poorest team in the league.  Nearly a third of our players are actually making less than the federal minimum wage."  While the announcement was surprising news to many fans, those closer to the organization had an inkling that the team was in fact extremely poor.  Various media outlets had previously reported that the team's post-game spread, once a smorgasbord of delectable gourmet and healthy treats, had been reduced this season to ramen noodles, peanut butter sandwiches, and sunflower seeds.  On the road, the team bus has frequently been spotted outside restaurants like Rally's and White Castle while starving players gorged inside on 2-for-1 burgers and fries.

Anonymous sources have leaked to CRS the names of several of the players allegedly living below the poverty line.  One of them is believed to be relief pitcher Edward Mujica, who has shuffled between Cleveland and the minor leagues all season.  Several area residents have confirmed that Mujica actually sleeps in the back seat of his midnight blue, 1989 Chevy Nova outside an area Motel 6.  He was also seen standing in line at a Cleveland-area blood bank before last Friday's contest against the Detroit Tigers, waiting to donate plasma for $30.

With the news finally out in the open, the team is expected to initiate several new game-night activities, including a collection basket that will be passed around during the 7th inning stretch, and a new policy of charging parents for promotional t-shirts and trinkets handed out by Slider to children under the age of twelve.

When asked about possible fan backlash to the news, spokesman Swain indicated the team wasn't worried.  "We will do anything necessary to put a winner on the field for 2007, even if that means selling Grady Sizemore's cell phone number for $5 on indians.com."