ESPN Scrambles To Fill Hours Of October Programming Originally Dedicated To Yankees/Red Sox Coverage

Satire

By CRS Staff

On the heels of the Indians 7-5 win over the Chicago White Sox on Monday night, panic-stricken ESPN executives held a series of meetings Tuesday to discuss contingency plans for 73 hours of October programming they had previously planned to devote to coverage of the rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox.  The programming had been intended as a build-up to an expected ALCS rematch between the two East Coast rivals, which no longer appears a certainty as the budget-conscious Indians threaten to keep one of the big budget clubs out of the postseason.

Immediately following the conclusion of last October's epic series between the Sox and Yanks, ESPN began looking for ways to capitalize on the immense interest in the rivalry that exists within a 40-mile radius of their headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut.  "As we're nearly halfway between the New England and greater NYC areas, we feel we know what people want", said ESPN spokesman Charles 'Chas' Peterson III.  "We listened to what people had to say at Bristol area restaurants and coffee shops, as well as friends who are alumni of elite schools such as Cornell, Yale & Boston College.  Clearly these people represent the interests of the whole country."

While no one at ESPN would speak on record, an assistant key grip speaking on condition of anonymity emailed a list of programs that were tentatively scheduled for airing next month.  Below were a few highlights of the proposed schedule:

Breakfast With A-Rod - For 10 days starting in early October, ESPN cameras were to follow Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez to chronicle his mornings following Yankee playoff games.  Viewers would be treated to exclusive insider nuggets such as footage of local women being escorted out of his home in the early hours by A-Rod's security detail, candid scenes of the Yankee superstar writing checks to various minimum wage house staffers, and video of Rodriguez getting ready to watch Sunday NFL games from his 16-screen sports-themed basement cineplex.

The Yankee Bachelor - Yankee SS Derek Jeter would fill the familiar role made famous by ESPN sister network, ABC.  In a twist from the network version, all 16 women would be from Manhattan, and in lieu of 'one-on-one' dates, contestants would go out with Jeter in groups of two women.  The Yankee captain would also maintain the option to replace a contestant at any time with someone he meets in a bar. 

Top 5000 Moments in Yankees-Red Sox History - In a twenty-four hour marathon scheduled for the third Saturday in October, ESPN was planning to count down the greatest 5,000 moments in Yanks/Red Sox history.  In case ESPN staffers were unable to whittle the list down to only 5,000, the network had planned to extend the marathon for up to an additional six hours on Sunday if necessary.

In case the network's worst nightmare comes true and both AL East teams and their bloated payrolls are kept out of the playoffs, it is believed ESPN has signed a deal with the WNBA Development League, the new women's minor league basketball league, to fill the programming void.