Top Ten Ways Art Modell Likely Celebrated The Ten Year Anniversary of 'The Move'

 

Satire

By CRS Staff

 

It seems like only yesterday we were cursing at the television and vowing to never wear an ugly brown and orange sweatshirt again.  Yes, this month marks the ten-year anniversary of what I believe to be the worst moment in all of Cleveland sports.  Ahh, good memories all around.

 

Since not much has come out of the Modell camp other than the usual non-sensical gibberish (most recently espoused to Sports Illustrated's Don Banks), we thought we'd fill in the gaps and take some guesses as to what Art did to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of his strange, little trip.  We hope you enjoy.

 

10) Rented penthouse suite in the posh Harbor Court Hotel in Baltimore's Inner Harbor, then ate stacks of authentic Maryland crabcakes with son David until both puked on the floor.

 

9) Thanked his lucky stars that he fired that no talent coach Bill Belichick before he could really ruin the team's long-term chances.

 

8) Spent a day at the Spa with former Cleveland Mayor Michael White, the two of whom then wound down a relaxing evening together by cuddling and spooning next to a warm fire.

 

7) Spent hours on the phone with close personal friends explaining why he had no choice but to fire head coach Brian Billick, then hung up after realizing he no longer had that authority nor actually still owned the team.

 

6) Called the Pro Football Hall of Fame administration offices in Canton for the third consecutive day to make sure they received the gift basket he had sent.

 

5) Went to the local CVS pharmacy to see if they would let him increase his prescription to sleeping pills without a note from his doctor.

 

4) Made his regular $55 monthly payment to National City Bank to pay down the loan he took out in 1994 to sign Andre Rison.  Only 457 more payments and the debt will finally be paid.

 

3) Made up a fake chat room handle, then spent entire day blitzing NFL.com forums with posts proclaiming Art Modell as the greatest NFL owner that ever lived.

 

2) Called the former owners of once-popular Flats establishment The Basement, asking if he can have his Municipal Stadium toilet back.  When told the toilet that used to reside in his Owners Box suite has become (literally) a permanent roach motel, he laments the fact his decision-making has never been as sharp as when he last used it.

 

1) Feeling nostalgic, he pulled out a copy of the old Cleveland Municipal Stadium lease, cringing when he reads the last sentence for the first time: "In the event you ever move the team from Cleveland, upon death you will be sentenced to a Hell in which Paul Brown will be your slave master, Michael White will be your Lucifer, and John Elway will always be playing quarterback."